Not so perfect

"Ahma, this is jiejie, this is me...this is weiwei. Do you recognise? Weiwei became fatter."
"This boy just finished doing army?"
"No Ahma. This is Weiwei ar. You remember?"

I just tried not to cry.

"Yokeling ar, I want to go home quickly."
"Ahma, just wait for 2 more days. Wait for your report to be out."
"Ok. Yokeling ar, I want to go home quickly. My hand very pain."

Ahma, I promise there's no more tubes and injections when we get home. We'll eat bananas together and watch the television. I'll promise to hold your hand until you fall asleep, like how we hold hands in the hospital.




Feeling powerless and seeing your loved ones suffer in pain is absolutely the worst feeling in the world.




And I dread it the most.


Things are not so good at home either. I wish for everything to stop. But it won't.
Time to grow up. I now view things in a different perspective. When everything doesn't go well for you, how would you react? How would you face it?


I'm happy but I'm not.
I tried but I can't.
I'm seeing it but I can't do anything about it.


I'm feeling helpless and upset. I admit it. I can't put on a mask all the time. People are not so perfect and strong all the time. They have their vulnerable sides.




And losing a loved one is the worst of the worst feeling.

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I've got so many stories to tell you, so many things to chat with you
Even simple things like just asking "How are you?", "Have you eaten?", "The weather is very hot today"
Just visiting you, sitting by your bedside and watching that small television at that little corner
Patting the stray cat that Aunt just adopted and watching you stroke it
Telling me stories of the past during your kampong days

But as days go by, your body became frail and weak
Your eyesight is blurred one side and you became bed-ridden

That's not all

Your money-grubbing children plot of how to have a share in your inheritence
How to coax you out of what they want
Never sparing a thought of how you felt
You just gave in; knowingly but willingly

That's not all

Your condition worsens
You struggle to get by everyday
And finally dementia starts to take it's course
One moment you forget totally who we are, the other you have to think hard to remember
Otherwise you zonk out; totally spaced out

Your weak body just slumped on the bed
One foot into the grave






I am nothing but helpless. Only praying.
















God please help her.

What If?

"What if fear doesn't exist.
The child would not have to lie to his mum.
The girl would not cry for the guy.
The man would not look out the window wondering how to feed his family for the next half year.

What if the world contains no doubt.
The singer would not sit and write that sad song.
The wife would not sniff out her husband's coat.
The old grandma would not frown in her seat on Sunday morning.

What if there is no greed among us.
The businessman would not have to sell his house.
The young lad would be contented being just a friend.
The domestic helper would not have to return to her country in shame.

But then...

How would the child learn that lying is wrong.
How would the girl know of a greater love.
How would the man realize that everyday, they are being fed.

The singer wouldn't know how to tie emotions with skills.
The wife could still be ignoring her husband.
Grandma could be sitting at home wondering when her world will end.

The businessman wouldn't be free enough to be with his children.
That lad wouldn't understand love.
The helper would have to wait two years to see her family again......if all this hadn't happened.


I'd promise you wings to fly, but how would you ever learn to run." -adapted from a friend's blog entry.

There are too many obstacles in life that contains the doubt of 'what if'. At times, we would be too angry with ourselves for just trying too hard or not even trying at all. All in all, we'll somehow just end up in exhaustion. It happens to everyone including me. Too many thoughts, too many plans, too disorganised, etc etc especially now that I'm fully independent and am a working adult already. Somehow, I just feel that I'm half dumped into a vast ocean. Maybe three-quarts in.

I surrender. And...

God, I'm grateful for You.